R.I.P. Patriots' Mystique

Being a sports fan is like being in a marriage -- a highly dysfunctional, angst-ridden roller coaster of a marriage that pushes your sanity to a state of constant jeopardy. At times you wish you had signed a prenup, and other times you simply wish you had never loved at all (it's my blog and I'll be melodramatic if I want to, damnit). But despite all that, you are just (for reasons still unclear) too damn proud and loyal to ever walk away. Yes, there are good times to be had -- amazing times, even -- but man oh man, do the bad times ever suck. I'm talking epic levels of suck here. Based on my finely tuned, encyclopedic sports acumen, I'm going to qualify the Patriots game this past Sunday as a "bad time" (well, from the New England perspective, that is). And since I am currently too despondent to properly put a bow on this head-scratching Patriots' season (perhaps, in time...), I'm going express my feelings through the succinct, streaming majesty of an embedded video. Yay, internet! The following video nicely summarizes how it felt to watch Baltimore's tragic and merciless dismantling of my beloved New England Patriots, which effectively marked an emphatic end to the dominance of the Brady/Belichick era (and was essentially a giant, three-hour middle finger to all Pats fans). Consider it an epitaph of the championship standard that temporarily graced this once moribund franchise.

Metaphor Alert! In this video, "Stupid Sexy Flanders" represents the Belichick/Brady playoff cachet which used to be the M.O. of this team (along with defense -- remember when this team played defense?). During the Patriots' heyday over the past decade, we could always count on that dynamic duo to rescue the team from any situation, no matter how dire the straights may have been. Poor, unfortunate Homer represents a Pats fan hoping desperately that the Belichick/Brady mystique of the glory days would rescue New England from Sunday's debacle. But alas, his prayers go hopelessly unanswered. I'll let you untangle the remainder of this intricate web of metaphors and symbolism on your own.

As always, stay tuned and stay classy.